Poems

February 13, 2018

Making bad decisions
I know it’s only an illusion
That I think I’m the one
Stuck in a prison
Of thinking that maybe it’s my volition
I forgot what was right
To validate my own vindication
But you’re to blame
You’re the one who is stuck
In a cycle of unhappiness
Sorry I’m a burnout
But drinking eases me
It puts me in place
And I feel less pain
I feel nothing
Yet my heart wants to explode
And my mind wanders into deep
Unknow
Of Oblivion

February 4, 2018

you ever wake up needing a shower
not because you were out drinking
or working out
yet you feel dirty and gross
but you can’t explain it
because it was your heart that was violated
it was your soul that was crushed
ripped put of you was all your trust
he told you he loved you
and you were told he’s a nice guy
and so how could this person be so angry inside

*finished poem, the rest not for public*

October 17, 2017

I feel annoyed
with myself and people in general
“He’s such a nice guy”
yeah I know, and I am an asshole
“Not saying you should date him”
well than don’t
“But he really likes you”
Great, how is that suppose to make me feel
His heart is in my hands and I’m slowly
keeping it from beating because I can’t
make up my mind

September 3, 2017

How It Feels
I love you
No, I just lust you
You’re my experiment
To see how far I can string you along
Before catching on
To my manipulation
So I’ll show
Minimum affection
Like a virus that never cures
But will show symptoms
As a reminder
That I’m forever here
I’m your HPV
I’m your infection
I’m the cancer of your mind
Disguised as benign
Treacherously walking into your life

April 2, 2017

Feeling incompetent
Cause I lack all confidence
Unable to adjust
To a lustrous style
Of drinking and immoral
At the cusp of insanity
Taking hold of
What’s left of my humanity
Free me, Sins
So I can walk with immunity
And forget all the mistakes
I have still yet to make
Because I have learned that
It’s hard to break habits

unfinished

My Life as Ed

I wrote this when I was about 15 years ago. It is the start a memoir that i meant to finish but never got around to.

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” A famous quote said by a famous person who some how knew exactly what my life is like and my feelings towards it. I let my problems and issues define who I am. Without them I am nothing. I wouldn’t know how to cope with life and the pains of growing up. But yet at the same time life would be more bearable with out these issues. It is a never-ending paradox. Ed is my best friend and my worst enemy. He latches on to my mind and tries to control me, and I let it happen. Ed is my eating disorder, my bulimia. I found him when I was 11. Before he came along I have never felt right as a child. I hated social interactions with the other children. In fact I hated the other children period. I spent most of my elementary school years in a plastic toy house where I would let my imagination run wild and just make sand castles. Kids were mean and as a seven year old I had no backbone whatsoever. Standing up to other children was simply out of the question. But the more I grew, the less awkward I became. I discovered kids more like me. Weird on the inside, weird on the outside. I attended a middle school for 6th and half of 7th grade where people embraced the weirdness of themselves and others. I felt at home. Only problem is that it was an accelerated school. We were forced to take chemistry and physics. No 6th grader should be taking physics. I was then force to transfer to what would be considered a normal middle school. This school was about ten times easier, closer to where we lived, and filled with kids who thought they were hot shit. At the time of transfer, these kids seemed all right, although it wouldn’t be before long that they all became the epitome of my hatred. As much as I would like to blame those who I dislike for my pain and suffering, it would be consider dishonest. Good people aren’t intentionally dishonest. I actually started feeling pretty bad about myself in 6th grade. I learn that by throwing up what I eat, I can loose weight. It was the best of both of worlds. Unlike an anorexic, I get to enjoy to delicious taste of food and also in great quantity. By throwing it up, none of the calories. It was the most foolproof plan I had ever come up with. It started out only a few times every other week. I would purge food that I knew was not healthy. Shortly after finding this miraculous diet, I began drinking. Drinking had eased up my urge to purge. I puked enough while drinking, so I had no need to waste the food I did eat. I starved myself Thursdays and Fridays so by Friday night I would be completely annihilated. This went on for about three years. Near the end I was miserable. My head was filled with hostility. It was tug-a-war between two disorders. My alcoholism told me to drink beer. I drank beer. Ed told to purge the beer. I purged the beer. At the end of the night it was a lose-lose situation. My alcoholism usually came out on top. Drinking turned in to an every day thing. The scary part is I can’t pin point when my drinking started getting bad, but that’s a whole other story.

It’s Okay

It’s okay
I didn’t have anything to say
It’s okay
I don’t actually have an opinion
It’s okay
My views don’t actually matter
And my voice is silent
It’s fine
I’ll sit here and listen to how my
body will be dictated
It’s fine
I’ll try hard not to whine
too much
Even those with me seem to drown
me out
Because this view is embodied
In this day and age
Argue all you want
But it’s hard to get a word in
With four guys around

1/24/2017

Poem not finished

I’m done waiting up all night
for a guy who lies
who says come home
but then changes his mind
I’ve lost all my beauty sleep
staying up late
and now I’ll never be pretty
Tell me how you really feel
without alcohols presence
while I smile on the phone
attempting to be pleasant
but in real like with my blood-shot eyes
from crying and screaming irrational thoughts
because I’m fucking crazy
but wait I’m just on my period
it will pass and I’ll be fine
yet but once again I ended my
period one month ago and I think
I’m pregnant, gosh only God really knows
Is it hormones or am I just an emotional person
Sorry to be a burden
I’ll let you go now

I feel like a piece of meat
to your friends am I just some feat
I feel so used and abused
to just be fucked and left on
the side of the road
to be told
“I’m picking her over you
because, well you know
she’s drunk and down to fuck”
I begged you to take me home
and come to think of it
it seems pretty pathetic
that I would so easily give up my morals
to some guy I thought I trusted
You told me from the start you
tend to break hearts
but for some reason I thought I would be
different
How naïve of me
to think I’m some special being
But here is some words of advice
when you fuck around
you get fucked up and down
and I hope you fuck yourself out of the town

I once dated a man who said
“you’re too smart for me”
and I said “read between the lines
if you know what that means”
Am I suppose to dumb myself down
cause 2+2 is 6 right?
and he would look in my eye
and reply “hey, at least you’re pretty”
so pretty much I’m just this
fuckable object who prances around
brushing my blonde hair
looking in every mirror
fingering my eyes
till I find the prefect disguise
cause I’m told when I don’t
wear make-up I tend to
look like a sick cancer patient
I’ve been told to sit up straight
to cross my legs
dress conservative
and to act like it’s all okay
and when I have sex with a man
it’s all about whether or not their pleased
and when I have sex with more than one
in a month I’m considered to be this huge slut
despite that I have similar needs.

You lied when you said angels never died.
I saw one die last night.
She just gave up the fight,
It turned my world upside down.
I looked and looked but you weren’t around.
What happens when my own angel falls?
I will get on all fours and crawl
towards the devil who calls himself my friend.
He tells me his life will never end.
“Join me” he exclaimed with a smirk
“and forever hold your peace.
Not a trick up my sleeve
but your soul I will need”.

For every 12 steps forward
I take 13 steps back
and I question whether
I’ll get my old life back on track
My childhood memories
and fading away
Before I notice they will be
too far away
This life unworth living
has taken its toll
And I’ll be dean before dawn
like all the rest I have known

Nov. 1, 2009

Next time you walk through the forest
Look around carefully
What could be a pathway to you
A home to another

The branches you are breaking?
Home to a bird
The rocks you are throwing?
Home to a lizard

Even the spider web you brought down
with a stick
Now that poor spider
had nowhere to live

I am proving a point
The littlest things matter
Cause how would you like it
if a spider destroyed your manor

Apr. 15, 2014

This abnormal reality I live in
is effecting my mentality.
Is it insane to say
I’m an alien in the place?
Where time and space
exist on a different plane?
And yet nothing matters
besides my spirituality and grace.
I have a sick malady
that gives my mouth a bad taste

Jan. 17, 2014 (Edited)

My heart is broken
there is a void to replace
it and running out of things
to fill it. I’m starving from
hunger, yet I’m bloated
with hatred. Someone is
knocking but all I do is
ignore it. So maybe
I’ll just act like I’m
alright when the voices
inside are telling me different.

Jan. 12, 2016

I’m angry and jaded
like a man blinded by cataracts
my consciousness has faded
the pain pierced through the cataphract
I put you up on a pedestal
but the screws were too loose
and you fell miserably
but now the tables have turned
And I’m the one to be blamed
despite the lady of pleasure
who destroyed our relationship in vain

Feb. 17, 2014

I walk stealthily
through the trees
collecting bark
green-things
and the bodies of dead bees
I place them in an old jar
for keeps
to do with them later
a form of Alchemy
inside the forest
all good things wait
as I trot down the
hidden path
to my escape
The flowers are in bloom
and the ground is moist
I hold on to my jar
and fall into a slumber
One ray of sun falls upon my face
and wakes me up
I find myself stuck to the ground
from feeling so content
why would I ever leave
such a land of wonder
even the sanest person
would want to stay forever

A Day in the Life of Ed

Feb. 25, 2014

As I sat there
it felt as though all the oxygen
in the room leaked out
I couldn’t breathe
My hands started to sweat
and no matter how much I
wiped them on my jeans
they just wouldn’t dry
Right then and there
an unspeakable force began
to push on my chest
Tears flow down
Staining my shirt wet
I begin to become
claustrophobic sitting in the
wide open living room
that is big enough to fit
30 people
My bodies expanding
The walls are enclosing
I think I’m dying
dear god
am I dying
or am I just imagining
I try to stand
I’m stunned by a bright
light
then overcome by blackness
I come to
but now on all fours
convulsing and shaking
My minds gone blank
I am dying
but just painfully show
So god help me
speed up the show